blood is a laxative

Today I learned something else amazing about the human body. Did you know that blood is a laxative? I sure as hell didn't, because if I had I would have been telling this to every twighlight fan I encountered. That's right bitches.... not only does Edward look like a geeky goth kid after a Ke$ha concert, but he also has to take a shit A LOT! Matt says that its possible that vampires don't poop like we do; He maintains that they actually excrete their poop in glitter form on there skin. This would mean they are literally covered in crap; I also don't hate this hypothesis.
In fact, pretty much the only thing I do hate is this damn vampire craze that has somehow still managed to stay around. When the hell is that last movie coming out? cause I want to know when I will no longer have to see "sneak previews of Bella with baby" and never have to hear R. Pats and K. Stew again! I may have a party.
The entire idea behind the book is ridiculous! The dowdy, boring, plain girl in high school did not get to go out with the two most coveted boys in school on friday night.... she got to go to her sofa with her cat, a pint of ben and jerry's, and lifetime movie marathon. If she did get invited somewhere is was usually because her parents knew someone else's parent who insisted that she get an invitation. And vampires aren't supposed to be heroic and valiant; they're supposed to be ugly hideous creatures who suck your blood! They were modeled after a guy named Vlad the Impaler! Does that sound like a guy you would want to hang out with? maybe go for dinner and a movie in a dark theatre? HELL NO! because he's going to fucking IMPALE YOU!!
The sooner this is over the better. Maybe after all is said and done we can teach girls to have normal role models like Susan B. Anthony and that if a boy says he's a vampire and he wears glitter all over it either means he's probably "batting for the other team" or he's fucking nuts.... either way he's not someone you want to spend time with.