blood is a laxative

Today I learned something else amazing about the human body. Did you know that blood is a laxative? I sure as hell didn't, because if I had I would have been telling this to every twighlight fan I encountered. That's right bitches.... not only does Edward look like a geeky goth kid after a Ke$ha concert, but he also has to take a shit A LOT! Matt says that its possible that vampires don't poop like we do; He maintains that they actually excrete their poop in glitter form on there skin. This would mean they are literally covered in crap; I also don't hate this hypothesis.
In fact, pretty much the only thing I do hate is this damn vampire craze that has somehow still managed to stay around. When the hell is that last movie coming out? cause I want to know when I will no longer have to see "sneak previews of Bella with baby" and never have to hear R. Pats and K. Stew again! I may have a party.
The entire idea behind the book is ridiculous! The dowdy, boring, plain girl in high school did not get to go out with the two most coveted boys in school on friday night.... she got to go to her sofa with her cat, a pint of ben and jerry's, and lifetime movie marathon. If she did get invited somewhere is was usually because her parents knew someone else's parent who insisted that she get an invitation. And vampires aren't supposed to be heroic and valiant; they're supposed to be ugly hideous creatures who suck your blood! They were modeled after a guy named Vlad the Impaler! Does that sound like a guy you would want to hang out with? maybe go for dinner and a movie in a dark theatre? HELL NO! because he's going to fucking IMPALE YOU!!
The sooner this is over the better. Maybe after all is said and done we can teach girls to have normal role models like Susan B. Anthony and that if a boy says he's a vampire and he wears glitter all over it either means he's probably "batting for the other team" or he's fucking nuts.... either way he's not someone you want to spend time with.

for regretsy.... the rapture

Advice for expectant mothers

Ah yes, its that time of year again when babies start popping up everywhere. There is something about September- November that apparently acts like oxytocin on every pregnant woman's uterus in the known universe. So as a service to expectant mothers everywhere I have compiled a list of names you should not name your child; not because I am nice, but because I am tired of all these damn TV specials about bullying at school where the kids name is Selacious or something awful.....

Lets start with some basics: Avoid names with meanings that may not be so complementary. Its kind of like accidentally laying on some voodoo at birth; probably nothing will happen but its best to avoid the chance anyway
Calvin: little bald one; no shit that is what it means! you are dooming your child to a life of tiny baldness... which is not quite as bad as.....
Kennedy- meaning ugly head (regular head you pervert; I know what you where thinking)
Here's a fun one! Persephone - meaning bearer of death; they will either end up a scary goth kid, or that girl from "the Ring"-- your choice
Agrippa apparently means sick or painful although idk who would actually name their child that, but whatever
Campbell is a double no no cause it apparently means Crooked mouth and also you just named your kid after a can of chicken and stars soup.... not cool mom, not cool
When talking strictly meaning there are also these gems:
Rachele- (spelled like that) means Ewe like a sheep but really .... lets be honest eeeew
Fabio- bean grower; or in my opinion it means "i can't believe it's not butter" but what do I know
Leod- Ugly; well that is certainly direct isn't it
Mallory- unlucky, which is funny because I would have guessed "duck-like" which is still not very complementary
Patsy- means gay in Australia; which is totally fine if your child is actually gay, but may be a problem if they move to what ever the redneck equivalent of Australia is
** also you may want to avoid the name Virginia because, though its very pretty they will at some point be called Virgina

Now lets discuss some general categories you should rule out:
1. Anything that sounds like a strippers name. ie Kandy, Chastity. Now I'm not trying to say that if you have this name you are a stripper, I know plenty of very wonderful ladies with names like this, i just also know lots of strippers with names like this
2. anything french for a boy. They will either turn out gay or really hot or most likely both. Personally I am more than ok with any of those outcomes but some people can be a touch sensitive so I am just letting them know
3. Don't make up a freaking name! Don't combine 2 names; don't add La, Le, Ta or any other syllable to an already existing name and call it your own! And i know what you are thinking ..." only the crazy black lady at the Burger king with the really long fingernails does that".... A) that is slightly racist B) that is completely untrue. I have heard so many crazy ass names from new money white ladies. Its like they just open the fucking dictionary and point to a word. Just cause Gwyneth Paltrow named her baby something weird doesn't mean you can!!! She has more money than you ! She can pay people not to make fun of her weird ass kid.... you cannot.
4. Don't name your kids with a theme. Like, alphabetical order, or all in K's. Do you want your kids to be like the Kardashians!? I sure as hell hope not; cause if you do you may want to consider not having children at all for the human race's sake. Don't make all their names rhyme or pull a Jayda and Will Smith and name the girl after the dad and the boy after the mom and think you are being all clever and covert.... people aren't that dumb, they will notice and secretly judge you.
5. if its on the top 10 names for any of the past 10 yrs don't use it. There is a reason its on that list; its because a lot of people have that name. Your kid may not hate you at 5 but I guarantee you that when they get to high school and they are one of 8 Ashleys in their class and they are forced to go by their middle name which will no doubt be something awful like Bertha (after their great-granmother's cousins mom or something), they will totally want to go back in time and slap the crap out of you

For your convenience I have included those names that are used too much:

As for me I think I may name my kids something obnoxiously pompous for no apparent reason.... like adding "the third" onto their name for no apparent reason or putting random accents on the wrong syllables so I can annoyingly correct people when they inevitably say my child's name wrong. Maybe I'll name them after some inanimate object or animal like Lobster Tin-can Champagne. Or better yet, name them to coordinate more uniquely with their last name like Moet Chadon Champagne, Dom Perignon Champagne, and Cristal Brut Champagne. Fortunately for my mother-in-law's sake kids are hopefully a while away for me and I have time to change my mind.... although I can't imagine why I would

Can someone tell me what we did wrong?

Ok I am officially baffled! In the last 10 years South La has endured 4 major hurricanes, an oil spill and consequently the invasion by the dark lord Cthulhu (yes that is how you spell it), and now we are going to have to deal with a freaking Noah's ark style biblical flood! Now I admit that we may have partially deserved some of this; after all, we were the morons who built our biggest city in a bowl, but technically it was the army corp of engineers who constructed the crappy levies and flood gates that some how keep breaking and sucking total ass. And we are certainly not responsible for oil covered sea creatures, and the portal to another dimension being opened! So what gives? Is it our rich history of "colorful" politics that's landed us here? Or maybe the fact half the original settlers here were criminals shipped over from europe? Perhaps the universe is just jealous of the fact that our food is better than their's.Maybe the problem is that hell indeed did freeze over when the Saints won the super bowl and this stuff is all because the devil is just really pissed off and cold. I'm not really sure; all i know is that karma has got a hit out on us and apparently it needs multiple assassins to take us down.  Truthfully I don't really care who are what's to blame. I would really just like to complete an entire year with out having to worry about if some body of water is going to overflow into my house, school, or place of bussiness unless that body of water happens to be my bathtub... because after all this crap I may need a serious aroma therapy scrub down.

and they said ADD wasn't real

I spent all day studying for Step; seriously, I spent 8 hours of my life today looking at medical facts and pneumonics that I will never use after June 15th. But that's not actually the point of all this, after all, that is excessively boring and not even my psychiatrist would sit here and read all the whining that I could fit on this pageh. So, after an entire day of very serious information I am struggling to fall asleep because I can't stop thinking about miniature horses. I am not joking with you; one should never joke about subjects as important as the abomination to evolution that is the mini horse. Don't ask me what prompted this 30 min in-depth contemplation, because I honestly couldn't tell you. I'm sure it had something to do with some random thought that occurred right before it--or maybe it didn't-- I can never really predict if that's true once the Vyvanse wears off. 

My big question is why the hell do mini horses exist? I really don't understand them. I guess they could pull tiny little mini carts, but it seems like you could buy a St. Bernard for the same purpose and they tend to be a lot nicer and they can also double as a bartender if you fill that little barrel around their neck with booze. Mini horses don't bring you a drink! They don't do anything but crap, eat, and bite you when you try to pet them. Maybe if you where a gnome or elf of some sort, then you might need a one, but since gnomes and elves aren't real, along with vampires (thank god) damn tiny horses have no appropriate riders or useful function, just like pasty "straight" men who glitter.  You have to be like 40 lbs to ride a horse that size and according to the NFL play 60 commercials kids today are extra hefty and in that case shouldn't they be walking they're fat asses somewhere instead of riding a mini horse? I guess you could argue that they're good for really young kids because they are small and unintimidating, but it seems like if you are just going to lead them around in a circle with a two year old on their back you could do the same thing with a goat. I mean the kids two; he sure as hell doesn't know the difference, and at least the goat can makes some freaking awesome cheese. Goats can mow your lawn too and fertilize at the same time with their little goat poops....Do mini horses mow lawns? No they do not

Now that I have concluded that mini horses are indeed useless and quite possibly the spawn of satan, I have another important question.  Where does the term "i'll be a monkey's uncle " come from? I really would love to know. Is it like a Darwin thing where people "omg i can't beleive I'm related to a monkey.... I am so surprised that's actually true" .... or was it some poor guy who found out that the very unattractive nephew his sister kept mailing him pictures of was indeed a chimpanzee? I need to know this