Disney messes with your mind

So I was supposed to write a lovely "dear John" letter to medical school today explaining why I hated its guts and I wanted it to die and that I would never talk to it again..... unfortunately Dr. E pulled some crazy Jedi mind trick shit and I may be coming back after I "clear my mind", which is just another term for be a hippie for 6 months. Needless to say  I have been a little stressed lately and when I get stressed I start contemplating what has gone wrong in my life.... and let me tell you there is a lot to contemplate. I think the most recent and important contemplation has to do with the fact that I might be a little stupid when it comes to science and biology. I blame this on cartoons! I mean seriously; I read zoo books and thought I completely understood the animal kingdom.... BUT NO!

So lets start with the hard questions here; i mean lets just get down to the nitty gritty and move on. Why the fuck is Goofy a dog and he can talk and walk and act the fool and Pluto can do nothing but bark!? Was he some how stunted or bumped on the head or did he ride "the short bus to school", because I see no practical explanation for this. It's not just Goofy either! This is happening all over the cartoon animal kingdom and there is absolutely no consistency to what animals can and can't talk. It used to be that only the cute ones could communicate, which as a 6 year old girl I totally understood and agreed with; I mean seriously who wanted a gross toad talking to them.... they are clearly icky and full of germs and would never be invited to any self respecting kindergartners tea party. But now it really doesn't matter at all what they look like. I mean for God's sake there is a freaking sponge that talks! A sponge!!!! And all his poor snail can say is "meow." I would pay so much money to hear what Gary the snail is thinking; I would imagine most thoughts involve violent ways of killing sponge bob because no one could honestly spend and extended period with him with out wanting to scrub a dirty mens room toilet with him and throwing him in the trash. Also, it can't be based on intelligence of said animal because either way you look at it sponges are literally the lowest form on the animal chain.... i mean like legit they have their own category they are so close to not being actual animals.

Then once you start getting deeper into this "saturday morning taxonomy" you start to think about the way all these animals talk. For example Scooby and Scrappy Doo. Clearly from the same family, but Scooby can only start words with R while Scrappy talks completely normal and won't shut the fuck up! Perhaps they were just really inbred and Scooby has a speech impediment while Scrappy has Achondroplasia (can dogs even get that?).... either way no five year old should have to think that hard!

My vote is that we just end this now. Have a conference of cartoon biological experts meet at some exotic location like "Animal Kingdom" in disney world and just hammer this out! FOR THE CHILDREN'S SAKE!.... after all they are out future, and don't they deserve more than Sponge Bob?